🧠 When Boundaries Get Crossed (and It’s You Who Let It Happen)

We hear a lot about setting boundaries—but what happens when one gets crossed, and you didn’t speak up?

Maybe you froze.
Maybe you didn’t realize it was a boundary until later.
Or maybe you were afraid of rocking the boat with someone you liked or loved.

It’s one thing to communicate a clear “no.”
But what about the quieter, murkier moments—the ones where your silence became permission?

This blog is for those moments. And a tool that might just change everything.

🎥 Watch the YouTube video if you prefer to listen to the story and practice in my own voice.

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✨ The Invisible Cost of Unspoken Boundaries

Psychologists call this a fawn response—one of the four classic trauma reactions (fight, flight, freeze, and fawn). Fawning is when we bypass our own needs in an effort to preserve connection. It’s incredibly common, especially for those of us who grew up without being taught how to express discomfort or set limits.

And yet—even when it feels like we’re being “nice”—the cost is high:

• We carry resentment that builds beneath the surface.
• We feel disconnected, even from people we genuinely like.
• We lose trust in ourselves because we didn’t speak our truth.

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🔧 A Tool for Repair (Even When the Moment Has Passed)

At a Tantra festival last year, I was introduced to a simple but powerful tool for boundary repair. Not in the heat of the moment, but after—when reflection hits and your body says, “Something wasn’t okay.”

Later that day, I got to test it in real life.

I’d been in a workshop where I partnered with someone new. We did some exercises together, and during that interaction, he unknowingly crossed a boundary of mine. It wasn’t dramatic. But I hadn’t spoken up. I froze. And afterwards, even though I liked him, I felt this subtle tension—a wall between us.

Instead of brushing it aside or ghosting the connection, I decided to try the tool.

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🗣️ How I Repaired the Connection

Here’s what I said:

“There’s something I’d love to share with you. Would you be open to listening?”

“This feels vulnerable for me, so I’d appreciate it if you could just hold space.”

“During the workshop, I let you cross one of my boundaries. I didn’t speak up, so you didn’t know—and I’m sorry for that. I realize I felt some resentment afterwards, and I don’t want that to stand in the way of us connecting.”

That conversation changed everything.

Not only did he receive it beautifully—we ended up having a deep and open talk and actually became friends.

This wouldn't have happened if I had stayed silent.

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❤️ From Resentment to Authenticity

Since then, I’ve used this practice a few more times. And here’s what I’ve learned:

• You don’t need to blame others to name your truth.
• You can take responsibility without shaming yourself.
• Repair builds trust. Not just with the other person—but with yourself.

I've also made a promise to myself:
To check in with my body.
To notice contraction.
To speak my truth—even when it's hard.
And when I don’t succeed?
To repair.

Because this is what real connection requires.

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👁️ What to Look For: Boundary Clues in the Body

Want to practice tuning into boundaries—yours or someone else’s?

Look for signs like:

• Tension in the shoulders or jaw
• Shallow breathing
• Shifting away from touch
• Avoiding eye contact
• Sudden silence or confusion

These can be signs that a boundary has just been crossed—even if no one has said anything yet.

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💬 Your Turn

Have you ever let someone cross your boundary, and felt resentment after?
How did you handle it?

If this story resonates with you, or if you're curious to try the repair tool yourself, I’d love to hear how it lands. Feel free to share your reflections on the YouTube video or connect with me directly through Instagram or email.

You deserve relationships where you feel safe, seen, and respected.
And sometimes, that safety starts with a courageous, “I let this happen—and I want to make it right.”

With love,
Grethe 🤍

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